Great Expectations. Reflecting on birth and sewing tiny newborn clothes

In these final days before my third child's birth, I have been reflecting a lot on the previous two as well. Although both experiences were deeply poignant, the second seemed especially beautiful. I remember responding to someone asking me about my experience shortly afterward with the words, "I actually enjoyed it!" It certainly was not pain free, but, apart from "hitting the wall" at one point for about 20 minutes, I was largely at peace, focused and completely trusted that my body and baby knew exactly what to do.

Without a doubt, the differences between my two births were experience and preparation. The second time around I was much more deliberate about preparing myself for what was to come, physically, emotionally and spiritually, and I was obviously more experienced after having done it before. Looking back now, I realize how blessed I was that my sweet one and a half year-old girl would happily entertain herself while I watched a birth video, listened to some relaxation music or read a book or affirming passages of scripture. Almost on a daily basis, after the first trimester, I dedicated an hour or less to preparing myself for the impending birth.

Now, during my third pregnancy, things are different. With two beautiful children who need and love attention when I'm at home, and with some tough physical challenges I have been experiencing, it has been difficult to dedicate quality time to prepare for this birth. I have not felt anxious about this however, because I embrace that I am in a different season of life now. I fully trust that my body and my baby are filled with God's divine peace and that He will carry me through the birthing process just as He has before.

I also made a discovery, much to my delight, that has allowed me to invest a little bit of time into preparing while doing my favorite thing. My children do not like to see me on my computer, iPad or phone, and it is almost guaranteed that as soon as I take out one of these, whether it is to work, relax or just waste time, they suddenly need me for something! However, they seem to happily "tolerate" me sitting in front of my sewing machine while they watch an episode of something on TV or entertain themselves otherwise. So I've been using my sewing hour (when it happens) in the afternoons to listen to teachings, music, scripture passages, declarations, etc on pregnancy, labour and birth. Janet Mills's CD Childbirth in the Glory as well as a few birthing affirmation videos on Youtube have been some of my favorites to listen to. I've also pinned onto my sewing table encouraging passages of scripture.

While sewing tiny newborn outfits and nappies for my son, I consciously turn my thoughts toward him, and pray for him. Even though he may not wear these clothes for long, the privilege of creating them with my hands, heart and soul makes it all worth it.  And this is all the preparation I need.

Of course such deep moments are usually interrupted by the inevitable need to use my seam ripper! Ughh…such are probably the only times you'll hear me use vivid expressions that are not normally within my mental vocabulary!

Patterns used:

Brindille & Twigg Harem Romper
Brindille & Twigg Side Pocket Pants
Peek-a-boo Kimono Top
Rocket Bottoms Contour Diaper 

Conversations with an almost three year old

Me: Olivia, you are going to Maria's house today to spend the morning while Mama is at work.
Her: Okkkkaaaaayyyyyy (with a happy singing voice)
Me: Are you happy about that?
Her: Yes, I'm BERRY HAPPY!
Me: So that means you are not going to cry when we drop you off.
Her: Yes, I gonna cry.
Me: Why?
Her: Because I need to cry
Me: You need to cry?
Her: Yes, I NEEEED to cry. I be upset when Mama go to work so I need to cry. Later I laugh with Maria!

Her: Mama, where's Daddy?
Me: He's gone to the gym
Her: No, Daddy is not in Germany, Lottie is in Germany! Daddy is go to buy pizza and ice-cream!

Her: Oo-la-la! Mama you look pretty like a princess!
Me: Thank you Olivia, you look like a princess too.
Her: No Mama, I'm a QUEEN, like Queen Elsa!

Me: Olivia where's EJ?
Her: In Canada
Me: And Sarah, Ryan and John?
Her: In Amelica
Me: And Lottie?
Her: In Germany
Me: And Tafi?
Her: In Mbabwe (Zimbabwe)
Me: Wow! You've got friends all around the world, hey?
Her: (with a confused look) I don't know who's that Mama!

Raising a sensitive child

You may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately. There are a few reasons for this, the most obvious being the busy-ness of juggling work and family life. Yet there's much more to it, as we have been experiencing emotional difficulties as a family, especially related with Olivia. If you have followed this blog for a while you may have noticed that I mostly like to share the precious moments with her.  After all, that is why I created this space - to capture and share such moments with loved ones near and far. This however certainly does not mean that we do not face challenging and difficult times as well in our family.

Our beloved little girl has been battling emotionally, and consequently so have Mama and Daddy. We've always known from when she was a tiny baby that Olivia is a very sensitive child, but never did we imagine that toddlerhood would be as challenging as it is right now. We got some alarm bells at the beginning of the year when we arrived home from a month's holiday in the States - when her reaction to the change seemed quite drastic. She suddenly became very clingy, anxious and emotional, both at home and especially in social settings. We thought it would just last a few weeks as she re-adjusted, but it actually accelerated to a point that she started having what seemed like small anxiety attacks when in social settings. Honestly, I'm not exaggerating! Whenever she was feeling anxious and around unfamiliar people I would see the expression in her face changing, followed by her holding on to me tightly, literally digging into my skin with her nails as she would begin to shake. We jokingly referred to this as her "silent tantrums", but we couldn't shake off the feeling that there was more to it. We didn't know how to deal with this and I definitely made a lot of mistakes in my attempts to "make her more sociable". At times I reprimanded her for her behaviour, but I soon learned that this was not helping her at all. What seemed to help, rather, was to remove her from the situation or environment that was making her anxious. Sometimes this worked well, though sometimes not so well.

After spending hours on Google, Facebook parenting groups, having chats with other moms, etc, I tried several things to help Olivia deal better with her emotions, with some attempts yielding positive results and some not making much of a difference. We've gone through various stages this year, between promising times when we think she's getting better, and then sudden reversals when it seems she she's getting worse again. Currently we are experiencing the most challenging times we've yet had with her. To give you an idea, she is probably frustrated with accompanying emotional outbursts sixty percent of the time. The smallest things can set her off, from being scared of the wind blowing on her face to seeing an upsetting picture in a magazine or TV (and yes, she probably shouldn't be exposed to TV!). Last weekend we were at a social gathering at another home with some friends and colleagues, and she was terrified of a little dog, along with a zebra carpet on the floor.  She also went ballistic out on the deck when she looked down, saw the gaps between the wooden planks, and seemingly feared that she would fall through the gaps!

We certainly don't have the answers to all of this.  But what I've realized is that we can so easily fall into the mode of trying to fix our child, thus causing both us and her frustration, anger and disappointment.

Why do I feel I need to fix her? There are a number of reasons for this - Because I have believed a lie that there is something wrong with her; because I have let my own insecurities with my personality cause me to fear that she will be like me; and because I have a preconceived idea of what an ideal personality for a child should be: carefree, fearless, friendly, sociable, etc and I unknowingly have tried to force such 'ideals' on my child.

The truth is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, and I do not need to fix her. She has a beautiful and sensitive spirit, with an accompanying strong will, and sometimes she simply needs help and guidance on how to handle her strong emotions.  And all the while, we trust that in that beautiful way of God's Kingdom, such "weaknesses" will prove to be her greatest strengths as she continues to grow and develop!

So as much as we are battling at the moment, I know that she will be okay, as will we. We pray for God's supernatural wisdom, love and grace for this. After all, He has entrusted us with the life of this beautiful girl, an answer to our prayers, and so we trust Him to likewise give us everything we need to nurture Olivia into all that He has called her to be.

Dearest Olivia,

You are a beautiful and perfect creation. You are made in the very image of God. You carry a facet of who He is that no one else does. May you always know and be confident of who you are in Him.  We love you and are so, so proud of you!

Moments like this

Life in our little home lately has been hectic to say the least. Owen hardly ever sleeps peacefully, ever! The days are napless, unless I am holding him against my chest the whole day and during the night we are lucky to get a few hours of sleep, sometimes none at all for Mama. My dear little girl has had to make some major life adjustments as a result of this, some of which I feel horrible about. I'll talk about that another time.

BUT in the midst of chaos, exhaustion and emotional roller-coasters, Olivia is growing well and thriving in some ways, one of those being her speech. She says the most hilarious things and has such funny and adorable sayings and expressions. Sometimes a sweet two year old breaking out in toddler language and looking as serious as ever while at it is just what I need to make me laugh on a crazy day.

Here are some precious moments and sayings of hers that I've enjoyed recently:

After we've had a meal dear hubby gets up to tidy up the table and do the dishes. Olivia blurts out, "Thank you baby, thank you sweetie." Someone's been observing Mama!

She picks up a pair of shoes on which SHE wrote months ago and with a serious face she points to the writing and says, "Oh no Junior (her friend), no no no Junior, yabhala shlangu (you wrote on my shoe)." Hmmm, so they start this young?

I placed a bowl of porridge on her tray.
Olivia: Iphi juice mama? (where is the juice?)
Me: Ayikho (there's none)
Olivia: Iphi chips mama?
Me: Ayikho
Olivia: Iphi chocolate-sweetie mama?
Me: Ayiko
Olivia (with a sigh): Hayi ke!!! (Oh well)
Picks up her spoon and starts eating :-)

At the grocery store she likes to go to the sweets and chips aisle and satisfy her eyes!
"Hello chocolate, sweetie, chips! I love you! Bye-bye! See you later!"
And of course this Mama smiles proudly at the impressed people passing by and takes all the credit for her sweet daughter's amazing behavior. Hahaha she mostly likely learned it from Barney or something and they should see her on her not so sweet days!

She received a lovely tea set from a friend of ours as a special gift when Owen was a few days old. Every time she takes it out to play with it she says, "Thank you Aunty Djenni (Jenni)." Every. Single. Time. Sweet girl!

Her latest thing is using the word NOT. So before she says what something is, she'll first say what it isn't.
"Not chips, popcorn. Not juice, tea. Not sisi, mama. Not baba, girl." and sometimes she uses it for totally unrelated things such as, "Not potty, tent." Funny girl!

Life with a feisty and strong-willed two-year old can be challenging, but such adorable moments make it colourful and beautiful.

Parenting two "littlies": Some days are good and some are not.

Monday was my first day caring for my two little ones all on my own. I expected it to be hectic, but it turned out to be a beautiful day filled with sweet, joyful memories. Olivia was an absolute cutie-pie, hosting tea parties for Owen and I, helping Mama with nappy changes, no nagging for Barney or cookies, she was an absolute angel in every possible way. Owen was calm and content, stayed up to enjoy his big sister's tea party and entertainment and that was just enough stimulation to get him down for good long naps. 

Yesterday on the other hand was the total opposite! Filled with tantrums, nagging, overtired little ones who were both fighting sleep and a frustrated Mama who lost her patience several times throughout the day. As if that was not enough, the night was equally bad with little Owen up from 10pm to 4am! Oh the joys!

BUT, today is a new day with new possibilities, new adventures to be enjoyed and new memories to be made.

I'm glad I had my camera close-by to capture Monday's joyful memories.

“Taking pictures is savoring life intensely, every hundredth of a second.”

― Marc Riboud

Dear Olivia, Mama is sorry

I did it again, my little love...I yelled at you for "driving me crazy" after I had promised you and myself several times before that I would never do so again. All I wanted was peace and quiet. Well, the yell pretty much took care of the "quiet" part, but peace eluded me, as it did you. The shock and sadness on your face was so real and innocent, enough to make me want to go hide in shame and cry myself better.

And yet the beauty of your innocence is that you do not keep records of Mama's wrongs...not for longer than a few seconds anyway - after which you had replaced your sad face with the most joyous smile, looked at me, opened your arms and lovingly said "Gaga Mama", asking for a hug from me.

I wish I could likewise forget (and forgive myself) as easily as you do, sweet Caramel. That horrible feeling of regret, guilt and shame lingers in me for a long time, after which it finally fades from memory...until I do it all over again, that is...shout at you, yell at you, scream at you.

Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by justifying my actions towards you, with thoughts like...you were being terribly and unreasonably difficult, you were testing my boundaries and I needed to be firm with you, it is perfectly normal for parents to lose their patience out of exhaustion. While these thoughts might be true, especially the last one, I personally no longer want them to be excuses for me to treat you in a way that I would never want anyone else to treat you. There must be a better way to deal with this, a gentler, more loving and more peaceful way to help you and myself through this...and one that does not leave me with a lingering feeling of regret and shame.

I have not figured it out yet, and maybe I never will fully, but I've at least been thinking about it a lot. Thoughts and revelations about relationships have been filling my mind, such as; Why do I not react the same way with your Daddy when I'm frustrated with him? And how does God respond to me when I mess up? I would never, never scream at your Daddy out of anger or frustration, because I respect him and care about his feelings and I know that that kind of reaction would hurt him very deeply.

Hmmm, so that makes me wonder how much respect I have for you and your feelings. Little people deserve respect too, and sometimes we adults tend to forget that. And I guess, even though I care deeply about your feelings, the fact that I know your hurt will not last more than a few minutes gives me a subconscious excuse to feel okay about my actions. I cannot imagine how horrible it would make me feel, however, if God responded to my mess-ups the way that I do to yours. But instead of anger, He seeks me with peace, patience, love and gentleness and ultimately leads me to a place where I realise that I am bigger than my mistakes.

That is my desire for my relationship with you, my darling girl...that you will grow up knowing from this very tender and young age that while mistakes happen, through love and peace they are overcome.

Before you were born, when you were still growing in my womb, I made a decision that I will never discipline you through physical punishment. As I formed a beautiful bond with you, feeling your little kicks get stronger every week, I just could not imagine one day laying my hand on you and intentionally inflicting any kind of physical pain. Well knowing how I wouldn't discipline you didn't necessarily translate into knowing how I would. Discipline and guidance are certainly necessary, and it is one of my roles as your Mama to teach you about what is right and wrong.

Unfortunately it is inevitable that in the process I will unintentionally hurt your feelings at times, whether or not I am aware of it. I am fully convinced, however, that shouting, yelling and losing my patience with you is not for us...it hurts you, and it hurts me.

Mama is dearly sorry for all the times that I have made you feel scared and hurt, my love, even if it only lasted a few seconds. I guess, much like you, I am stumbling along and trying to figure out this growing up business! One thing I know for sure...together we'll get through it, and the love we share shall always prevail.

I love you,
Mama

Memories of a girl who lost her special umbrella

On Thursday 30 January, two days before my birthday, I lost something that was very dear to me. My camera was stolen from my home. I cannot describe in words the hurt that I felt. It was by no means a very fancy camera, yet it was also not just a camera to me. I had saved for a long time to buy it, so in some way I saw it as a symbol of my hard work and determination. It was also very special because it sparked in me a love for photography, a passion to capture and preserve some of the most special moments of everyday life. And even though I had been planning on getting a new and better camera, I would have kept this one and treasured it. I loved it so much. 

Losing it reminded me of when I lost a very special umbrella at the age of eleven. Growing up we didn't always get gifts on our birthdays or at Christmas time. Sometimes we did and sometimes we didn't. There was never an expectation to receive anything, but when we did, it was so special. And when I turned 11 years old my mom gave me an umbrella. It was the most beautiful umbrella I had ever laid my eyes on, transparent with red polka dots and a picture of Minnie Mouse! I couldn't wait for it to rain so that I could carry it to school. Well after what felt like forever wishing for such rain, it finally did one day and I got to take my special umbrella to school. BUT this greatly anticipated day turned out to be one of the most horrible days of my primary school years, as I proceeded to lose the umbrella in school...What a terrible feeling! Much like the camera, it was not just an umbrella to me - it was a very special gift from my mom. I knew how much of a financial sacrifice it was for her to buy it, and the sad look of disappointment in her eyes when I told her I had lost it brought even more sadness to me. She tried hiding the disappointment and reassured me that it was okay, but I could see it and feel it. I was not only sad for me, but for her too. 

Every school day that year I would go to the "lost and found" box, hoping to find my special umbrella, but alas, this never happened. And everyday I would walk away disappointed. After a few months I stopped looking and hoping, but for a long time afterward I still thought about how I lost a very special gift to me - a thought that inevitably made my little eleven year old heart sore.  I never cried about losing it. I felt a heavy sadness inside my heart and so badly wanted to cry, but I never did. As an eleven year old I never knew how to express my feelings, nor did I feel safe to do so. I was scared I would appear as weak and foolish, thinking who cries for a silly umbrella? I wish someone had helped release me from such a lie...that crying was a sign of weakness and foolishness...that someone had seen the burden of guilt, sadness and disappointment I carried for such a long time and freed me from it all. 

When I lost my camera two weeks ago, I cried. I cried because I felt sad, disappointed and angry, and all I knew to do was to cry. I cried in the presence of my husband and my daughter. At first I tried holding the tears because I didn't want to upset my little girl, but then I let them flow because I want her to know that crying is not to be feared, that it is not a sign of weakness but rather of strength. I want her to know that one day when she loses her special school bag, or fights with a friend, or messes up in what she thinks is the worst of ways, she can come to her mama and cry for as long as she wants.

So I suppose, even in the wake of this unfortunate event, and even as my heart continues to be sore from losing this special camera, that something good is being born from it...that the pain I once privately carried within as a young girl is being transformed into something beautiful and promising in the life of my daughter.  This is a legacy that I give to her, that all things work for good if only you allow them to.

Hahaha! This picture has nothing to do with this blog post, but I just absolutely adore that sweet little 5 month old face!

49/52

"A portrait of my child, once a week, every week, in 2013"

Dear Olivia,

Every morning when I get you from your bedroom, the first thing you do is to rush to the kitchen and get an apple. Then, with the hugest smile on your face, you awkwardly run to the living room to end Daddy's quiet time! As he hears you coming, he waits for you with arms wide open and a smile that only a Daddy can give his little girl.

Love,

Mama

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day sweetheart. 

We love you so much.

Tea for one...or two

Daytime naps have been such a battle this week. Little walking Miss Olivia wants nothing to do with her bed, as life is all about walking around (and eating) right now. Today, after fighting for hours I finally succeeded in putting her down for her afternoon nap...more like an early evening nap at that point. I very cautiously walked out of her room, careful not to make the slightest sound. After closing the door, I did my crazy victorious mama dance...yeah baby, I won this round!

So how to celebrate this moment? Late afternoon tea has always been one of my favourite times of the day, but since sweet Caramel joined us...let me just say...life is very different! So I thought I'd grab this opportunity and have some special "me-time" while she napped. Surely this nap would stretch for an hour or more, since she had been up all day. So I made myself a cup of rooibos tea in my favourite tea cup passed down from my great grandmother, grabbed some wool and a hook and popped over to Pinterest to find some inspirational crochet creations. Yet just as my behind was about to touch the chair...sigh...I heard her high pitched cry. And so this is what became of my special "tea for one" moment - half of my tea was transferred to a sippy cup, and as for my chicken sandwich, I looked away for half a second and suddenly there it was in her little fist!  Furthermore the wool was unravelled and tied all around the rocking horse, and the hook was used for what looked like hand-eye coordination exercises. 

Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men...