And yet the beauty of your innocence is that you do not keep records of Mama's wrongs...not for longer than a few seconds anyway - after which you had replaced your sad face with the most joyous smile, looked at me, opened your arms and lovingly said "Gaga Mama", asking for a hug from me.
I wish I could likewise forget (and forgive myself) as easily as you do, sweet Caramel. That horrible feeling of regret, guilt and shame lingers in me for a long time, after which it finally fades from memory...until I do it all over again, that is...shout at you, yell at you, scream at you.
Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by justifying my actions towards you, with thoughts like...you were being terribly and unreasonably difficult, you were testing my boundaries and I needed to be firm with you, it is perfectly normal for parents to lose their patience out of exhaustion. While these thoughts might be true, especially the last one, I personally no longer want them to be excuses for me to treat you in a way that I would never want anyone else to treat you. There must be a better way to deal with this, a gentler, more loving and more peaceful way to help you and myself through this...and one that does not leave me with a lingering feeling of regret and shame.
I have not figured it out yet, and maybe I never will fully, but I've at least been thinking about it a lot. Thoughts and revelations about relationships have been filling my mind, such as; Why do I not react the same way with your Daddy when I'm frustrated with him? And how does God respond to me when I mess up? I would never, never scream at your Daddy out of anger or frustration, because I respect him and care about his feelings and I know that that kind of reaction would hurt him very deeply.
Hmmm, so that makes me wonder how much respect I have for you and your feelings. Little people deserve respect too, and sometimes we adults tend to forget that. And I guess, even though I care deeply about your feelings, the fact that I know your hurt will not last more than a few minutes gives me a subconscious excuse to feel okay about my actions. I cannot imagine how horrible it would make me feel, however, if God responded to my mess-ups the way that I do to yours. But instead of anger, He seeks me with peace, patience, love and gentleness and ultimately leads me to a place where I realise that I am bigger than my mistakes.
That is my desire for my relationship with you, my darling girl...that you will grow up knowing from this very tender and young age that while mistakes happen, through love and peace they are overcome.
Before you were born, when you were still growing in my womb, I made a decision that I will never discipline you through physical punishment. As I formed a beautiful bond with you, feeling your little kicks get stronger every week, I just could not imagine one day laying my hand on you and intentionally inflicting any kind of physical pain. Well knowing how I wouldn't discipline you didn't necessarily translate into knowing how I would. Discipline and guidance are certainly necessary, and it is one of my roles as your Mama to teach you about what is right and wrong.
Unfortunately it is inevitable that in the process I will unintentionally hurt your feelings at times, whether or not I am aware of it. I am fully convinced, however, that shouting, yelling and losing my patience with you is not for us...it hurts you, and it hurts me.
Mama is dearly sorry for all the times that I have made you feel scared and hurt, my love, even if it only lasted a few seconds. I guess, much like you, I am stumbling along and trying to figure out this growing up business! One thing I know for sure...together we'll get through it, and the love we share shall always prevail.
I love you,
Mama
Hmmm, so that makes me wonder how much respect I have for you and your feelings. Little people deserve respect too, and sometimes we adults tend to forget that. And I guess, even though I care deeply about your feelings, the fact that I know your hurt will not last more than a few minutes gives me a subconscious excuse to feel okay about my actions. I cannot imagine how horrible it would make me feel, however, if God responded to my mess-ups the way that I do to yours. But instead of anger, He seeks me with peace, patience, love and gentleness and ultimately leads me to a place where I realise that I am bigger than my mistakes.
That is my desire for my relationship with you, my darling girl...that you will grow up knowing from this very tender and young age that while mistakes happen, through love and peace they are overcome.
Before you were born, when you were still growing in my womb, I made a decision that I will never discipline you through physical punishment. As I formed a beautiful bond with you, feeling your little kicks get stronger every week, I just could not imagine one day laying my hand on you and intentionally inflicting any kind of physical pain. Well knowing how I wouldn't discipline you didn't necessarily translate into knowing how I would. Discipline and guidance are certainly necessary, and it is one of my roles as your Mama to teach you about what is right and wrong.
Unfortunately it is inevitable that in the process I will unintentionally hurt your feelings at times, whether or not I am aware of it. I am fully convinced, however, that shouting, yelling and losing my patience with you is not for us...it hurts you, and it hurts me.
Mama is dearly sorry for all the times that I have made you feel scared and hurt, my love, even if it only lasted a few seconds. I guess, much like you, I am stumbling along and trying to figure out this growing up business! One thing I know for sure...together we'll get through it, and the love we share shall always prevail.
I love you,
Mama
No comments:
Post a Comment