A birthday message for my Lili (Guest post by Olivia's awesome Daddy)

My beloved little princess, has one year really passed already since the day you were born into this world?  The day I stood at your mommy's side, so humbled by and proud of her courage throughout a long night of labour...the day I gazed in awestruck wonder through tear filled eyes as the life we had created and watched take shape in her belly for so long actually materialized before us, in flesh and blood...the day I first saw you upon mommy's breast, clumsily exploring your instinct to feed from her nourishment...the day I first saw you wearing your tiny outfit with tiny hat, swaddled in a tiny blanket, eyes closed in peaceful rest as you took a break from what must have been a traumatically transformational day...the day I left you and mommy to bond at the hospital as I went home to sleep, knowing all the while I likely couldn't and wouldn't, yet not knowing what else to do with myself.

Yet perhaps a year is not so long, for on reflection it seems like a different lifetime ago. The day I drove more slowly and carefully than ever before as we carefully, gingerly brought you home from the hospital, perhaps afraid of even exposing you to the outside air...the day we brought you into the house, safely shut the front door behind us, put our stuff down, and beheld you laying there before our eyes...what to do now? All the baby books and articles in the world that mommy poured through during pregnancy, and that daddy didn't (but had related in copious detail from mommy) in preparation for your coming now seemed woefully inadequate to address this simple question at such a surreal moment.

And yet life goes on. As you learned the beginnings of how to live on this earth over the ensuing few weeks, we learned the beginnings of how to be parents to you, each of us feeling our way forward simply by doing.  I'll be honest, my little love, I felt a little shell-shocked...Seeing mommy standing there holding you and sobbing, as you screamed and cried yourself purple in the face, feeling a bit helpless to help either of you...other than to call our nurse and relate how something must be terribly wrong, as our baby keeps crying...or to relate how something must be terribly wrong, as we can't get you to burp...or to relate how something must be terribly wrong, as you keep spitting up your milk! 

I suppose, in the midst of what now seems like such silly anxiety, I was just desperate to do this right, to be a good and loving daddy, to make sure you have a good life from the very beginning...for You deserve no less, and I already knew that you have the best, most loving, most caring, most nurturing, most kind-hearted mommy in the world.  You see, the both of you are God's answer to what was once my greatest of life prayers...to be a husband and a father, to have and take care of a beautiful family of my own.  Yet with realization of such a dream comes great felt responsibility, to protect and provide and help create a place of thriving growth and life prosperity. And by God's grace, He has done so through me over the past year, even as I have felt at times clumsy, ignorant, desperate, thoughtless, or otherwise inadequate. What He sees, however, is not such faults, but rather the perfection that I love you with my very life, and that I am here for you above all else.

My little love, perhaps life's greatest journey is in fact learning to increasingly see as God sees. And your life over the past year has been a powerful testimony of this for me.  While I have seen (and heard) seemingly constant whining from you to be held and paid attention to, God has revealed to me the truth of your desire to love, to be loved, and to be held close...and really what is there in life that could be more important than this? 

While I have seen (and smelled) seemingly endless poop and vomit coming from you, God has revealed to me the truth of your well-functioning body, hearty appetite, and good health...something for which I am so grateful.  

While I have seen (and felt) the exhaustion of holding you in my arms and trying to get you to go back to sleep at 2 in the morning, God has revealed to me the preciousness of such moments, that are passing by all too fast toward a day when you have grown and I will no longer be able to hold you like that. 

While I have seen (and heard) your frequent cries of distress, discomfort or otherwise general unhappiness, God has revealed to me the truth of the joy of your laughter and delight when I tickle you or hold you upside down or spin you around or play peek-a-boo with you. 

While I have seen (and gasped over) the tornado of messiness that inevitably follows in the wake of wherever you have recently played, God has revealed to me the truth of your innate desire for joy, fun and adventure in life.  

While I have seen (and stressed over) the gravity that seemingly pulls you toward all things potentially dangerous in the house, particularly those devices electrical in nature, God has revealed to me the truth of your innate curiosity to explore and discover His many mysteries.  

While I have seen (and dreaded cleaning) an utter mess of oatmeal, prunes and/or peas all over your hands and face and hair and clothes and chair, God has revealed to me the truth of the joyous beauty of your gap toothed grin in the middle of it all. 

While I have seen (and heard) your loud, excited exclamations in the middle of a quiet, tender moment in church, God has revealed to me the truth of these glorious beginnings of your speech, which shall one day resound with love, power and poetic articulation as you bring His beauty to the ears of a world in desperate need of knowing it.

While I have seen (and felt) your heart-wrenching cries when first left at home in the care of a nanny, God has revealed to me the truth of your heart-stirring quick breaths of thrill and excitement as we put you on your "ride'm cowboy" horse or carry you out the door of our home on an adventure, destination unbeknownst to you and not even mattering.  

And while I have seen (and felt) your seemingly ceaseless squirming and constant restless movement while I try to hold you close, God has revealed to me the truth of the tender beauty in those moments when you simply rest in my arms, your head with its myriad of curls upon my chest as if you are listening to and dwelling within my heart beat. 

Do you hear it, my little love? Do you hear daddy's heart beat?  It is the very life that God gives me.  It beats for mommy.  It beats for you.  

Happy first birthday, my gorgeous little girl, I love you with all I am, and am so grateful for this journey we are all living out together.  Being your father is a reward and privilege like none I've ever known.  Perhaps one day in our future I shall sit with you in 3D...on a daddy-daughter date...and relate with you the bitter-sweetness of joyfully anticipating all stages of your growth and development yet to unfold, while simultaneously wishing none of it to pass, for therein it will be gone forever. 

God bless you, Lil' Miss Olivia Lilitha Worley, God bless you with your every heart desire.  I love you.