Confessions of a sleep deprived mama

The past few weeks Olivia has not been sleeping well at all, some nights waking up every thirty minutes or so. I've been fairly strong and trying my best to keep a good and positive attitude about it. But after last night, I am feeling thoroughly exhausted. The lack of sleep is getting to me physically and emotionally and I'll admit, right now I'm feeling really sorry for myself! I might even later regret writing this, but that's alright because sometimes the adventure of parenthood is accompanied by challenges that are as real and true as the beautiful moments.

One of the hundred times I went to answer her cry last night all I wanted to do was put her in her crib, put earphones in my ears and pretend I couldn't hear it! As I held her in my arms, nursing her back to sleep, I could hear all sorts of self accusations playing like a broken record in my head..."You spoilt her, you shouldn't nurse her to sleep, you shouldn't rock her, you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that..." I felt like such a failure and I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, even as I blinked and they rolled down my face. Well one such teardrop hit her sleepy face and her reaction and expression were just priceless, as she looked up at me with such alert eyes and gave me the purest of smiles. I couldn't help myself, I just laughed!

Today, out of complete desperation, I started searching the internet for a book on gentle sleep solutions. But before I clicked on "Purchase", I came to my senses..."No, not another book Yolanda!". I've read so many books on parenting styles and how to conquer different issues with babies, but sometimes they bring me more confusion than anything else. I actually wonder if, had I not read all the books and articles on babies' sleep, my expectations of how babies are "supposed" to sleep would perhaps be different. I don't know, but right now the last thing I need is another book!

I'm beginning to wonder if too much exposure to too many ideas and information affects how we parent our children (or at least somewhat impressionable people like me). I was sharing my lack of sleep story with a lady who came to help us with cleaning today. She has raised eight children, five of her own and three grandchildren...No parenting books, subscriptions to baby magazines or access to Google, but rather merely with advice that has been passed on from generation to generation. She started flowing in conversation, and it didn't seem like she was digging deep within for some profound advice. She was just a mother simply sharing her experiences. "None of my eight babies were ever the same. All babies are different: some are really good sleepers, some are not, some are good at self soothing, some are not, and even when you think you've figured out what 'kind' your baby is, she might change depending on what stage of development she's in. So don't worry, you are a good parent. Just love her" was basically what she said.

Wow! As physically tired as I was feeling, I suddenly felt so emotionally refreshed! She didn't tell me anything new that I had not heard from my own mom, who has raised four children all by herself, but I just needed to hear it again.

I'm desperate for some good sleep. It will do the three of us a lot of good. But if we continue to have sleepless nights, I will try to remember those simple, wise words that have stood the test of time, and keep a good attitude. I'll cry if I need to, but I will keep reminding myself that this stage too will pass :-)