Dear Olivia, Mama is sorry

I did it again, my little love...I yelled at you for "driving me crazy" after I had promised you and myself several times before that I would never do so again. All I wanted was peace and quiet. Well, the yell pretty much took care of the "quiet" part, but peace eluded me, as it did you. The shock and sadness on your face was so real and innocent, enough to make me want to go hide in shame and cry myself better.

And yet the beauty of your innocence is that you do not keep records of Mama's wrongs...not for longer than a few seconds anyway - after which you had replaced your sad face with the most joyous smile, looked at me, opened your arms and lovingly said "Gaga Mama", asking for a hug from me.

I wish I could likewise forget (and forgive myself) as easily as you do, sweet Caramel. That horrible feeling of regret, guilt and shame lingers in me for a long time, after which it finally fades from memory...until I do it all over again, that is...shout at you, yell at you, scream at you.

Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by justifying my actions towards you, with thoughts like...you were being terribly and unreasonably difficult, you were testing my boundaries and I needed to be firm with you, it is perfectly normal for parents to lose their patience out of exhaustion. While these thoughts might be true, especially the last one, I personally no longer want them to be excuses for me to treat you in a way that I would never want anyone else to treat you. There must be a better way to deal with this, a gentler, more loving and more peaceful way to help you and myself through this...and one that does not leave me with a lingering feeling of regret and shame.

I have not figured it out yet, and maybe I never will fully, but I've at least been thinking about it a lot. Thoughts and revelations about relationships have been filling my mind, such as; Why do I not react the same way with your Daddy when I'm frustrated with him? And how does God respond to me when I mess up? I would never, never scream at your Daddy out of anger or frustration, because I respect him and care about his feelings and I know that that kind of reaction would hurt him very deeply.

Hmmm, so that makes me wonder how much respect I have for you and your feelings. Little people deserve respect too, and sometimes we adults tend to forget that. And I guess, even though I care deeply about your feelings, the fact that I know your hurt will not last more than a few minutes gives me a subconscious excuse to feel okay about my actions. I cannot imagine how horrible it would make me feel, however, if God responded to my mess-ups the way that I do to yours. But instead of anger, He seeks me with peace, patience, love and gentleness and ultimately leads me to a place where I realise that I am bigger than my mistakes.

That is my desire for my relationship with you, my darling girl...that you will grow up knowing from this very tender and young age that while mistakes happen, through love and peace they are overcome.

Before you were born, when you were still growing in my womb, I made a decision that I will never discipline you through physical punishment. As I formed a beautiful bond with you, feeling your little kicks get stronger every week, I just could not imagine one day laying my hand on you and intentionally inflicting any kind of physical pain. Well knowing how I wouldn't discipline you didn't necessarily translate into knowing how I would. Discipline and guidance are certainly necessary, and it is one of my roles as your Mama to teach you about what is right and wrong.

Unfortunately it is inevitable that in the process I will unintentionally hurt your feelings at times, whether or not I am aware of it. I am fully convinced, however, that shouting, yelling and losing my patience with you is not for us...it hurts you, and it hurts me.

Mama is dearly sorry for all the times that I have made you feel scared and hurt, my love, even if it only lasted a few seconds. I guess, much like you, I am stumbling along and trying to figure out this growing up business! One thing I know for sure...together we'll get through it, and the love we share shall always prevail.

I love you,
Mama

seven/fifty-two

"A portrait of my babies, once a week, every week, in 2014"

Olivia: Oh that face my darling! 'Makes me forget all the trying tantrums and outbursts we are being challenged with lately :-)

"Baby Boy": Six weeks to go darling boy! In some ways it feels like it's so far away, yet it some it feels like it's right around the corner. Apart from the intense hot weather causing me extreme discomfort, I am treasuring the last few weeks of having you all to myself.

Love,

Mama

Linking up with Jodi and other bloggers on the 52 project.

Baby blanket make-over

I used a simple crochet border and flower to turn a plain white baby blanket into a pretty girly blanket for a friend's baby. (I'm still looking for inspiration to make something for my boy!)

P.S. The border was my own pattern, but the flower was one that I got off the internet. I've lost the link to the original website but I'll post it as soon as I find it.

Memories of a girl who lost her special umbrella

On Thursday 30 January, two days before my birthday, I lost something that was very dear to me. My camera was stolen from my home. I cannot describe in words the hurt that I felt. It was by no means a very fancy camera, yet it was also not just a camera to me. I had saved for a long time to buy it, so in some way I saw it as a symbol of my hard work and determination. It was also very special because it sparked in me a love for photography, a passion to capture and preserve some of the most special moments of everyday life. And even though I had been planning on getting a new and better camera, I would have kept this one and treasured it. I loved it so much. 

Losing it reminded me of when I lost a very special umbrella at the age of eleven. Growing up we didn't always get gifts on our birthdays or at Christmas time. Sometimes we did and sometimes we didn't. There was never an expectation to receive anything, but when we did, it was so special. And when I turned 11 years old my mom gave me an umbrella. It was the most beautiful umbrella I had ever laid my eyes on, transparent with red polka dots and a picture of Minnie Mouse! I couldn't wait for it to rain so that I could carry it to school. Well after what felt like forever wishing for such rain, it finally did one day and I got to take my special umbrella to school. BUT this greatly anticipated day turned out to be one of the most horrible days of my primary school years, as I proceeded to lose the umbrella in school...What a terrible feeling! Much like the camera, it was not just an umbrella to me - it was a very special gift from my mom. I knew how much of a financial sacrifice it was for her to buy it, and the sad look of disappointment in her eyes when I told her I had lost it brought even more sadness to me. She tried hiding the disappointment and reassured me that it was okay, but I could see it and feel it. I was not only sad for me, but for her too. 

Every school day that year I would go to the "lost and found" box, hoping to find my special umbrella, but alas, this never happened. And everyday I would walk away disappointed. After a few months I stopped looking and hoping, but for a long time afterward I still thought about how I lost a very special gift to me - a thought that inevitably made my little eleven year old heart sore.  I never cried about losing it. I felt a heavy sadness inside my heart and so badly wanted to cry, but I never did. As an eleven year old I never knew how to express my feelings, nor did I feel safe to do so. I was scared I would appear as weak and foolish, thinking who cries for a silly umbrella? I wish someone had helped release me from such a lie...that crying was a sign of weakness and foolishness...that someone had seen the burden of guilt, sadness and disappointment I carried for such a long time and freed me from it all. 

When I lost my camera two weeks ago, I cried. I cried because I felt sad, disappointed and angry, and all I knew to do was to cry. I cried in the presence of my husband and my daughter. At first I tried holding the tears because I didn't want to upset my little girl, but then I let them flow because I want her to know that crying is not to be feared, that it is not a sign of weakness but rather of strength. I want her to know that one day when she loses her special school bag, or fights with a friend, or messes up in what she thinks is the worst of ways, she can come to her mama and cry for as long as she wants.

So I suppose, even in the wake of this unfortunate event, and even as my heart continues to be sore from losing this special camera, that something good is being born from it...that the pain I once privately carried within as a young girl is being transformed into something beautiful and promising in the life of my daughter.  This is a legacy that I give to her, that all things work for good if only you allow them to.

Hahaha! This picture has nothing to do with this blog post, but I just absolutely adore that sweet little 5 month old face!

six/fifty-two

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2014"

Olivia: You totally rock your sunglasses darling girl!

"Baby Boy": Whenever she "sees" you, she makes sure to either kiss you or "clean you up". You will be well loved and taken care of little one :-)

five/fifty-two

"A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2014"

Olivia: Little baby girl rolls on arms and legs are disappearing. You are looking more and more like a little girl. 

"Baby Boy": No picture of/for you again this week. Sorry my darling, Mama has not been very motivated creatively. You are still nameless. We chat about lots of names everyday, but none of them seem perfect for you. We'll find the right one, the perfect one...soon :-)

Love,

Mama

Popsicle and smoothie diaries 2: Yummy Green Spinach and Fruit Smoothie

When Olivia goes on a vegetable strike (which is often I'm afraid!), the only way to get them into her is through smoothies (and sometimes muffins). As long as you disguise the taste with some fruit, she will gobble down any veggie smoothie. Our favourite veggie to mix in is by far spinach. I love spinach and fruit smoothies as much as does. Dear hubby doesn't care for them much though :-)

Ingredients

2 cups chopped spinach

1 pear (chopped)

1 banana (chopped)

1/2 cup yoghurt

1/4 cup orange juice

Directions

Mix all the ingredients in a blender

I started with the spinach, yogurt and juice

Then added the chopped pear and banana

Yields 2 serving portions

Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!

Tummy full and happy :-)

Dirty dishes left for poor hubby!